Prayer Makes Free?

The theme this week (in the Ignatian retreat) is God makes us free.

We began seriously doing the examen, a way of looking over your day and seeing where you went wrong and where you went right. It’s a bit more than that, but that's it in a nutshell. You prayerfully ask for forgiveness for the bad and offer thanksgiving for the good. As a result of this process, I have developed some insight into myself, some objectivity. 

In addition to my psychotropics, I get an injection thrice monthly. It messes with my moods. Think testosterone poisoning, except that it's a low dose. The resulting volatility often takes me by surprise. This time, during an argument (fight?) with my wife, I realized that I was about to blow my top. In the past, the eruption duration and strength would be much greater. This time, I was able to limit it--I only stormed outside. I walked around the block, fuming. When I got back to the house, I was still upset, recognized it and waited until I was calm before going back inside--rational.

I've also upped an antidepressant (I take two), but I think the contemplative skills I've been learning--have they canonized Thomas Merton?--have helped me not be controlled by my moods. Talking about it also helps. Maybe this blog and the concomittant blathering on about my condition will help someone else.

The Scripture passages--Gen 22:1-19 (Abraham attempting human sacrifice), Lk 1:26-38 (the Annunciation), & Phil 3:7-16 (Paul talking about what he’s left behind and to what he’s pushing ahead).

I didn’t get much mileage out of the Genesis passage. I kept thinking of Sarah hiding in the bushes, trying to distract her husband with a ram so that she could save her son. Abraham is a homicidal maniac and Isaac is a bit simple. Strong, but simple. Or to be charitable, Abraham is overly trusting, goes a bit too far, thinks things will end up OK. God told me to kill my son. Hurm. If the angel hadn’t stopped the proceedings, would Abraham have killed his only son? Well, he did have Ishmael. I did get the possibility of the Lamb of God/Only Begotten Son trope, but not right off.

From my journal:

How do I distinguish delusion from the voice of God? Not a trivial problem, I think. How do I trust in God? What if God is asking me to sacrifice something dear, like I don't know what? What is God calling me to do? I used to think it something diaconal, but I suspect that to be mania, grandiosity.

I can't put emotions into words.

I found the Luke passage interesting. Mary dares to question. “How can this be? I am a virgin.” she asks. There has to have been some really cool special effects--lights and those awe-inducing low tones--because the angels always say “Fear not!”. Is Mary hiding laughter behind her hand? Remember that Sarah (mother of Isaac) giggled when Yahweh's angel gave her similar news. 

In the last passage, Paul talks about how the things he’s lost (status in the Jewish community because he associates with Gentiles, opposes circumcision, etc.) are as rubbish to the glory of Christ. He makes statements like these elsewhere, as well. He then talks about pressing on to becoming a possession of Christ. Not possessing, but possessed (but in a good way).

What things have I lost, memory, confidence, self-respect, and the like? Not lost as a result of becoming (or rebecoming) a Christian, but because of a mental health diagnosis. I don’t feel the flow of creativity on this topic at the moment, but there is material here. Who thinks I have lost status? Me? My wife? Have I lost status? Does someone with a mental illness--albeit controlled by medication--have the right to have status? You are only as powerful as you think you are, I suppose. Applying the diabetes standard--in mental illness, the organ affected is the brain--the answer would be yes. So why do I feel otherwise? It’s stigma. People are afraid that mental illness is contagious. See last week's article about scapegoats.

The second half of the Pauline passage talks about “being in training”, which then leads me to ponder how I should be in training and for what. More self-censorship--the continual monitoring to avoid weird behavior (can’t do much about the weird thoughts)?  Perhaps there is something, like EFM, that I should look into for the future. Perhaps it’s continuing along the Ignatian pathway. Continual self-questioning seems to be in it, for now. Is self-doubt of God? I wonder, sometimes. 

I realize that I am not free--yet.