A Letter to God

At this point in the retreat, after focusing on sins some more, I am to write a letter to God. Since I am stuck at home by four inches of snow resting on a thin coating of ice, I'll tell you, as well.

Do I really abhor the sinfulness in my life? I am really having trouble with this one, especially the last sentence. Of the Eight Thoughts (avarice, lust, vainglory, anger, glutton, acedia, dejection, pride), I really only suffer from three. One of them, gluttony, is surprising, given that I am thin (but with a bit of a belly). I crave and consume with great relish sweet things. If there is an alcoholic sweet thing, even better. Well, I should expand it to consuming things. If there is something, I will consume it before others get much of it. So I'd say this counts as a mortal sin. The other thoughts I deal with are acedia (not so much any more), dejection (or is it just winter-based clinical depression?), and anger (in the form of irritation at being criticized). I may have a touch of vainglory now and then, but that could be the bipolar grandiosity flaring.

Do I abhor these? I tend to think that if I truly did, I'd not be afflicted. This is paradox. It isn't possible to be totally free from sin, whatever form it takes. There are different metaphors for sin. The one I'm encountering in the retreat is contagion, contamination, I think. Terms like weeping sore lead to that kind of view? Another one, favored by my spiritual director is alienation. Sins do tend to do that, after all.

God has touched me by giving me insight into these troubling conditions. I recognize that it is inevitable that I will continue to have to cope with these or other issues, but hopefully not without benefit. Like the nails on the Cross, the sins pull at you as you struggle. Sometimes the wood hurts too.

How does the World, that which draws me away from God, influence my life and decisions? Not in the way that you would think. I am not overly distracted by cares. I am observant in both senses of the word: I see what happens and I pray about it. My Facebook experience that way. I don't just share-troll, but participate in online religious community. The way that the World influences me is by irritating in various ways. It bothers me that people (like my son) who that the only way to be a Christian is to be a fundamentalist and if you don't worship the Bible...

Ignatius says: demand the grace. One I have received--I am no longer crippled by sudden anxiety. Formerly, when faced by a household task like cleaning the refrigerator (once every few months), getting the truck stuck in the ditch, or some sudden catastrophic event, I would have this blinding flash of light behind my eyes & and an indescribable sensation (hard to process) and I would be unable to cope. Now, it is merely unpleasant. I resolved to give some vegetables decent burial, etc. I no longer dread unfortunate events. I am the same, but different in a way I can't explain.